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What IS wrong with you? Feel free to confess right now because I know there are so many humiliating secrets you have. I want to pick them all apart, one by one!
I know you are a completely pathetic loser. How do I know that? It's so easy to tell just by how you nervously talk to me. Just from the way you present yourself, I can see it. In fact most women can!
I bet you can't get a woman to talk to you. I am positive any women who does talk to you do so as a dare from their girlfriends and then have a good laugh about you after. There is nothing about you that would attract a woman. You repulse women, and you know it!
Amazingly, you have perfected making yourself even more pathetic! After spending any time at all with a woman, all you can think to do is rush home to take out your limp, little dicklet and furiously masturbate for the 30 seconds it takes you to squirt that tiny load. Maybe you are just too small to stroke, so you have to hump the couch or a pillow. Either way, you are always a minute man.
So, why do I like talking to you? You make me laugh. The stories you tell are priceless. Sometimes I share your secrets with my closest friends, and we laugh and laugh together! With me, you describe your pathetic encounters, your complete ineptness with women, and your resulting compulsion to masturbate the only way a loser can, by humping your unstrokable dicklet to a dripping little finish. Ugh. Gross.
I think you know exactly what you are good for. You are perfect to add humor to my day. I laugh long and hard; two things you will never be!